Clean Sweep<\/p>\n
The catnip spray made her naked form easy to find. Her ectoplasmic hands clutched at the back of a sofa. Gaunt and wrinkly. Would be nice to extract an attractive ghost for a change.
\nRalph lumbered over to her, activated the acetone spray, set the wetvac nozzle against her hands, and broke her grip on the fabric. Her drug-addled wail was faint but audible as she was sucked in. Every time, he thought, I get shaky every time.
\nHe walked out the front door of the house and slipped between the plastic sheeting that covered it. Mrs. Calassi was standing in the driveway waiting for him, dressed like she was going to play tennis. She\u2019d been watching his performance on a tablet. Her expression shifted between frightened and disgusted.
\nRalph set down the wetvac, which shuddered, turned off the camera mounted on his hood and pulled his head gear off. \u201cThere you go, Mrs. Calassi, the ghost is gone.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s terrible! Her face- she could have been my mother.\u201d
\nOr mine. \u201cDon\u2019t feel too bad, Mrs. Calassi. She was infesting your house. But she\u2019s drugged, trapped and gone. And with Hauntfree ongoing inspection coverage, we can suck up any recurrence.\u201d
\nRalph stepped over to his van, grabbed his cell phone and sent a text. \u201cThe crew will be here shortly to pull off the sheeting and hoses and vacuum up the Catnip. \u201cThere\u2019s a balance of seven thousand for the extermination and sixty-five hundred for the two-year inspection agreement.\u201d
\nShe stared at the quivering wetvac. \u201cAh, Mr. Cramden, about the inspections, the cost of your exorcism has cleaned us out. We really can\u2019t afford them.\u201d
\nRalph knew what he was supposed to tell her. That houses once haunted are apparition prone, and that without the coverage they\u2019d be charged full price for another removal. But ghosts weren\u2019t house bound, and almost never moved back into a house that\u2019d been fumigated. And he knew from their credit check that the couple were almost completely buried in debt. And she\u2019d been nice.
\nHe shrugged. \u201cMrs. Calassi, we recommend the inspection coverage, but it\u2019s not mandatory. If you like I\u2019ll take it off the bill.
\nThelma\u2019s relief was apparent. \u201cThank you.\u201d After Ralph revised the bill down, she touched her phone to his and Visa took over.
\nOnce stripped out of the hazmat suit and back in the van, Ralph called his office. \u201cHi Sarah, one for the toilet, paid like you see on your screen. Anything else?\u201d
\n\u201cHey, Ralph. The beta crew just wrapped a house on Longview for a late afternoon fumigation. Want some overtime?\u201d
\n\u201cYou know I could use the money.\u201d For the Bitch Queen\u2019s alimony.
\n\u201dCouple\u2019s name is Norten. They\u2019ve paid in advance so just suck \u2018em up and drop \u2018em. Nobody\u2019ll be there, but they\u2019ve given us the code for the security alarm. Are you gassy enough?\u201d
\nRalph checked his gauges. \u201cGot plenty of acetone, but I\u2019m low on toluene and nitrous oxide. Powdered catnip should be topped up as well.\u201d
\n\u201cSwing by. You can flush your critter while you get gassed.\u201d
\n\u201cWill do.\u201d As Ralph settled behind the steering wheel, he could smell the chemicals that had infiltrated his suit. He\u2019d wondered about slipping under the tarp and getting high on happy juice and glue solvent, but he\u2019d seen too many whacked out ghosts with frozen screams. And it was a contact high for the non-breathing ghosts, while Ralph could get his lungs eaten out.
\nFirst stop once back at the facility was to hook his wetvac up to the tank, reverse the suction, and squirt his new friend into the holding pen. Company PR said that the ghosts remained incarcerated at the facility, but Ralph suspected that a few ghosts built a tolerance for the catnip and were able to sneak off. We\u2019re just gamekeepers, ensuring that enough ghosts are loose that we always have work.
\nThe nitrous oxide and acetone were no problem to handle, flammability aside, but toluene was different, more poisonous and volatile. The powdered catnip, soporific of choice for cats and ghosts, was merely messy. Once his van was replenished, Ralph called the office back.
\n\u201cSarah? Armed and dangerous, and on my way back out.\u201d
\n\u201cStay suited, Ralphie.\u201d
\n\u201cAw, you care.\u201d
\n\u201cDon\u2019t be a dumbass.\u201d
\n*****
\nUnder the plastic sheeting the bones of the house looked old, but the owners had gentrified it beyond architectural principles or good taste. Ralph rang the doorbell and waited, but there was no response. When he opened the door the alarm started beeping, and he quickly keyed in the code.
\nStep one was a walk through to establish the nozzle placements. He found some light switches and turned them on, then walked from the entry hall into a great room. And dropped his tablet with a clatter.
\nAn old ghost with a scraggy Van Dyke beard was seated in a leather easy chair. He didn\u2019t float up. \u201cMr. Cramden, I\u2019ve been looking forward to meeting you. Please don\u2019t try and run out, I\u2019ve bolted the door. If you\u2019ll listen for just a few minutes I\u2019ll explain how you can earn a great deal of money.\u201d
\nRalph pulled out his emergency aerosol of Specter Spew and pointed it at the apparition. \u201cEasy or hard, spooky, you\u2019re the one that\u2019ll be leaving.\u201d Then he hesitated. \u201cIt\u2019s daylight still. How the hell can you appear? And how do you know my name?\u201d He squeezed off a quick warning spray of holy water.
\nThe ghost flinched back ten feet behind the chair. \u201cCall me Ed Norten, good as any name. Daylight\u2019s excruciatingly painful and draining, so I have to be quick. Tell me Ralph, do you know the effects your drugs have on ghosts?\u201d
\n\u201cSure. Our chemicals knock the ghosts unconscious, we contain and remove them. No, wait, do you mean how the ghosts feel? They\u2019re high as hell, so great.\u201d
\n\u201cYour cocktail produces an ecstatic high, but it\u2019s also viciously addictive. Once the ghosts come back down they spend their spectral existence trying to repeat the narcotic effect.\u201d Ed Norten smiled, not pleasantly.
\nGet a grip on your dick, Ralph told himself, you\u2019re the one that\u2019s armed. \u201cLook, whatever you are, you mess with me and the whole company moves in and treats you with special attention.\u201d
\nNorten waved a hand that Ralph could just see the drapes through. \u201cRelax, Ralph, there\u2019s no point in my driving you insane. I have a proposition.\u201d
\n\u201cNo deals, clammy. If you\u2019re not gone by the time I start spraying I\u2019ll be taking you with me.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019s almost what I want you to do. Hear me out. Want a drink? I can load up a brandy snifter for you.\u201d
\n\u201cDrop really dead, you mind fart.\u201d
\n\u201cAh Ralph, always listen to a proposal before reverting to unthinking. The Nortens are expecting a cleansing, and you\u2019ll give it to them. I\u2019ll be gone beforehand.\u201d
\n\u201cSo why are we still talking?\u201d
\n\u201cBecause two extra ghosts will be here for you to drug.\u201d
\n\u201cI don\u2019t understand.\u201d
\nThe ghost sighed. \u201cSo dense. You\u2019re going to become my dealer. You\u2019ll tip me off about the next drug spraying and I\u2019ll insert an extra ghost or two so they can get high.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy would I do that?\u201d
\n\u201cMoney of course. With your free hand, reach over to the bookcase and take the money from the middle shelf.\u201d
\n\u201cRalph reached over, picked up the wad, and one-hand riffled through it. Mostly twenties with a few hundreds, maybe two grand.
\nThe ghost nodded. \u201cFuture payments would be the same. All you have to do is tip me off as to time and location. I\u2019ll take care of the rest. You just do your job.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019ll get fired. No way!\u201d
\nNorten\u2019s expression flicked and Ralph had a peek at something rotted. \u201cHow have you survived this long, Ralph? As we\u2019ve been talking I\u2019ve keyed into you. You could move to Ecuador and not lose me. If you continue to refuse I\u2019ll make your life the kind of hell the living pay you to get rid of.\u201d
\nRalph felt sweat on his neck and forehead. \u201cWhy would you want to make addicts of your own kind?\u201d
\n\u201cThey\u2019re already addicts, Ralph, I\u2019m just helping them along.\u201d
\nRalph put the Specter Spew back in its holster. \u201cBut you don\u2019t need money, what\u2019s in it for you?\u201d
\nThe ghost glided over in front of Ralph. Ralph smelled dry corruption. \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t understand the words, Ralph, but here\u2019s the sensations.\u201d It touched a finger the color of milkweed sap to Ralph\u2019s forehead. His senses caught fire, tinted vision of shifting, moving beings, smells of earth and rot, touch that reached inside another, couplings with complete penetration of each other\u2019s bodies. \u201cMy God, you can do that with the women?\u201d
\n\u201cAnd much more. When you encounter ghosts they are as most of them died, old and ugly. But they live night after night in the times and forms they prefer, nubile and intelligent, acutely aware. Your drugs give them an ecstatic overload that they desperately want to get back to.\u201d
\nThe white finger moved away and Ralph nodded. \u201cI understand I guess, but you don\u2019t need money. What\u2019s in it for you?\u201d
\nNorten\u2019s expression was more leer than smile. \u201cOur currency is emotional. Ectoplasmic sex, revenge for slights, power over another ghost. What I exact from them is none of your business, but it\u2019s exquisitely pleasant and manipulative. I have two manipulees waiting. Shall we proceed?\u201d
\nThe ghost\u2019s senses had clouded Ralph\u2019s thoughts, and he shook his head hard to clear it. All that money meant a new car, hell, a whole new lifestyle. \u201cHow do you get the money?\u201d
\n\u201cGhosts drift in and out of secret compartments and hidey holes all the time. If you\u2019d rather I could arrange payment in jewelry or gold coins.\u201d
\nRalph realized that his arms and legs were trembling \u201cI\u2019ll take that drink.\u201d
\n\u201cOf course.\u201d
\n\u201cSo,\u201d Ralph continued as he sipped, \u201cyou\u2019re telling me that ghosts don\u2019t stay confined in our holding tanks?\u201d
\n\u201cMost do, but not all. You keep them tranqued on catnip, but some develop a tolerance, slip out of the tank and come looking for me so they can get high again. Who am I to deny them?\u201d
\n\u201cWhy would your customers use Hauntfree rather than Ghost Be Gone or any other service?\u201d
\n\u201cSome business you\u2019d continue to get from your company\u2019s routine sales efforts. Ghosts who\u2019ve approached me would use their powers of suggestion to steer the homeowners to you.\u201d
\n\u201cOh. How long would I have to do it?\u201d
\n\u201cHow long do you want to be rich?\u201d
\nRalph hesitated, but there didn\u2019t seem to be any downside. The addicted ghosts had no incentive to rat him out.
\n\u201cOkay, I agree to tip you off to my cleansing schedule, and let you bring in your Jonesing ghosts.\u201d
\n\u201cThat\u2019ll do nicely. Finish your brandy and let\u2019s get to work.\u201d<\/p>\n
*****
\nRalph didn\u2019t even have to make phone calls to Ed. Once he was given his schedule he visualized Norten\u2019s appearance and the ghost picture would nod once it learned the destination. The money would appear on the kitchen counter of Ralph\u2019s apartment immediately after he\u2019d sucked up the druggies. Management was happy that Ralph had gotten more efficient in extracting specters and gave him a decent raise. The new Escalade treated Ralph well, and he found attractive company he could rent. Life was good.
\nAlmost good. Ralph began to recognize repeat business. Distended limbs; blotchy, haggard expressions; suppurating pale wounds, incoherent. Increasingly, eternally maimed by each iteration. He sensed that he was condemning these spirits to an ever-worsening hell.
\nLate one Thursday evening, Ralph rolled in from a gentlemen\u2019s club to find his hidden money stash piled on the kitchen table. A voice rumbled from behind him. \u201cAbout time you showed up, fatso. We know what you\u2019re doing with that swish spook. You want to keep this money you\u2019re gonna be working with us.\u201d
\nRalph had almost muddied himself. With no aerosol handy he was at the mercy of whatever psychological torture the spindly ghost wanted to inflict. He visualized Norten, but saw that Norten was being held by two large spirits. He was on his own.
\n\u201cAh,\u201d Ralph said. It was a start. \u201cAh, who are you?\u201d
\n\u201cCall me Preston. And I already shit canned your spray bombs, so don\u2019t bother looking. Here\u2019s the deal. Norten already admitted after a little prodding that he pays you three grand a visit.\u201d
\nGood for you, Norten.
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t do nothing with Norten anymore. We\u2019re going to addict him and let him help pay his way. You work for us, same money.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy would I do that?\u201d
\n\u201cBecause, you shit-brained air breather, we\u2019re going to addict your buddy and turn him into a paying customer. You want the money, you work for us.\u201d
\nRalph\u2019s used-to-be-Catholic conscience had given him the glimmer of an idea. \u201cWell, you already got Norten, so I guess I have to cooperate. But if I understand this stuff, Norten\u2019s got to take his focus off of me so you can put it on, right?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019ve got calls scheduled tomorrow, but the day after I can get to the Norten\u2019s house and we can make the swap.\u201d
\n\u201cCancel \u2018em.\u201d
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t want me to do that, it puts my job at more risk.\u201d
\nPreston screeched like rusty subway wheels. \u201cAll right, the day after afternoon at Norten\u2019s house. Keep the money, carrion eater.\u201d Preston\u2019s ectoplasm flaked and dissolved.
\nRalph was too scared to sleep, so he put the night to use, getting more efficient as he sobered up. Then he called in sick and kept working on what he needed.<\/p>\n
*****
\nPreston, his two after death goons and Norten were all waiting for Ralph in the great room of the Norten\u2019s house. \u201cIn here, bowel boy,\u201d Preston ordered. Ralph walked in carrying a paint gun.
\nOne of the goons giggled. \u201cYou gonna shoot at us with that?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah,\u201d Ralph replied, shouldered the gun and fired three quick shots into Preston and his friends. Their screams were the scrapings of steel nails on glass, almost piercing Ralph\u2019s ear drums. He pumped several more pellets into the writhing ectoplasms, stopping only when their shapes deflated into saggy bags decorated with spots of seeping yellow-green paste.
\nNorten, no longer being held, drifted over. \u201cWhat just happened?\u201d
\n\u201cLast rites.\u201d
\n\u201cHuh?\u201d
\n\u201cA mixture of catnip to slow their reflexes and holy water as bon voyage. As the pellet passes into the ghost the holy water vaporizes. Bitch to get it into those pellets. \u201d Ralph swung the pellet gun toward Norten. \u201cWe\u2019re renegotiating the contract.\u201d
\n\u201cRalph, thank you so much for getting rid of those hoodlums, but we already have a deal.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m changing it. From now on, when you get repeat business, they\u2019re going to exit without recycling. You can promise them one last rapture before they move on. They\u2019re desperate for the fix, they\u2019ll take it. I gas them just like usual, then use Bertha here to dispatch them. Lets me feel better about myself.\u201d
\n\u201cBut Ralph, your business will suffer.\u201d
\n\u201cNot much. People keep dying, ghosts keep showing up. We drug them up the first time, if they come back we dispatch them the next. Tidy.\u201d
\nRalph smiled. \u201cOh, and I want that three grand a house you told Preston I was getting.\u201d<\/p>\n
END.
\nBy Edward Ahern<\/p>\n
EPA hazardous waste.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Clean Sweep The catnip spray made her naked form easy to find. Her ectoplasmic hands clutched at the back of a sofa. Gaunt and wrinkly. Would be nice to extract an attractive ghost for a change. Ralph lumbered over to her, activated the acetone spray, set the wetvac nozzle against her hands, and broke her…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9,2,10],"tags":[32,50,71,77],"class_list":["post-442","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-archives","category-astounding-stories","category-ghosts-ghouls-and-grave-robbers","tag-dhouls","tag-hortot","tag-scary-story","tag-shots"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/442","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=442"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/442\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=442"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=442"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/astoundingoutpost.com\/stories\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=442"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}